How to Discuss Kink with your Partner

Sharing your deepest desires with your partner can be really scary, even with the person we're supposed to be closest with in the world. Society often tells us that sex is something to be ashamed of, which is crazy, because none of us would be here without it. Sex is a natural part of life.

Kink especially gets a bad reputation, because it lives outside of the "norm". It's interesting to think about how anything outside of what is average is considered odd. Whether it's having different colored hair or watching your partner have sex with someone else.

But there's nothing wrong with liking things that not everyone likes, as long as everyone is a consenting adult and everyone involved is enjoying themselves, that is what matters. But bringing it up can often be scary. In my experience (and remember, i am NOT a professional, this is just my lived experience) it's best to approach sensitive topics when you are NOT in the heat of the moment. When you are being initimate with someone you are both at your most vulnerable, so anything they might do that isn't an enthusiastic yes can feel increidbly hurtful, and for the other person, having something sprung on you in the middle can feel like being blindsided. So start by starting the topic away from the bedroom. Remember to also make sure your partner has the time and space for the conversation. My husband and I have opposite sleep schedules, he's a night owl and I'm a morning person, so havign these kinds of discussions needs to be in the afternoon for us, when we both feel away and ready to talk. Ask your partner if they have the time to discuss something that is important to you.

When are dive into the conversation, you are sharing a very special part of yourself, and again, that's scary, so it's normal to be hyperfocusing on every reaction your partner has, but what's important to remember, is that you are the one bringing this up, this very well might be brand new for your partner, so make sure to hold space for their reactions and emotions. That doesn't mean tolerate abuse or harm, but if they are unsure, they have every right to feel that way. Kinks live outside of the norm, so sometimes they aren't just an easy thing for a coupld to dive into. If you are both on the same page, that's great! But that's not always the case. Sometimes one person has been thinking about it for ages, while the other person has never had it cross their mind. In which case, there might be a lot of unlearning and destimitizng they might need to do to be open to it. Be patient if your partner is unsure, but open minded. And if it's not something they are willing to try, then that is their right as well. This can be really hard to navigate in a relationship, but again, remember, everyone needs to be on board. If they aren't then it comes down to what you are okay with in that scenario. Maybe you are okay with it being a fantasy, maybe you need this as a vital part of your sex life. But what you decide to do then is up to you.

Society has taught all of us that there are so many taboos when it comes to sex, and it keeps us contained in a way that a lot of us don't realize. It takes work to deconstruct everything we've been taught to be ashamed up, which is why talking about sex and kink can be so hard. Communicating your feelings and desires is always worth it though!